So last week Nintendo announced the DSi. Please forgive me if that's all the enthusiasm I can muster for this surely revolutionary handheld gaming device, but when I look at the DSi all I can do is yawn. I was hoping for something from Nintendo that would restore my faith in them as a company who cares about hardcore gamers, instead what I got was yet another toy that was made with preteen girls in mind. Thanks, Nintendo, I can't wait to fire up the next Nintendogs and take pictures of all my super-hunky crushes.

All right, so let's quickly go over what's new with the DSi. Well, it has a camera, but so does my cell phone and I assume my phone's pics have better resolution. It can also play music and connect to the Internet, which are also things that phones do. So really, Nintendo is releasing a cell phone that lacks the ability to make actual phone calls. In a way, the company is truly innovative, as Motorola and LG have been trying to make phones that do everything but call people for years, but they could never quite get those last few pesky bugs worked out and sometimes calls would connect after all. Looks like Nintendo was able to beat them to the punch.

So, since this new handheld isn't really gaining anything notable, let's take a look at what's being sacrificed to make room for the next big thing in handheld gaming. First and foremost, the GBA slot that rests comfortably on the bottom of all current model DS units is gone, effectively severing ties once and for all with the Game Boy legacy. This act alone is a true affront to hardcore gamers, as the GBA slot was one of the only things about the DS that showed Nintendo had any respect left for its historically fanatical audience who would look the other way as all the shovelware dropped, just so long as they could continue playing games from the glory days and remaining blissfully ignorant of their company's race to appeal to the lowest common denominator. No more, now it's all about Little Becky fitting the DSi in her cute little backpack after recess so she can play Bratz on the go while you stew silently wondering where things went so horribly wrong.

The DSi is also purportedly offering a bigger, brighter screen, which comes at the cost of several hours of battery life. Never mind that the difference in screen size is miniscule and that only a fanatical nut job would even notice; the characters are incrementally bigger now! And all it will cost you is the ability to play for more than 30 minutes without being in arm's reach of your AC adapter. That's sure worth it.

Another fun fact about the DSi is that it's region-locked (Editor's note: DSi-exclusive software is region-locked, regular DS software is not), so now you won't be able to play any games that aren't released for the specific area where you live. Enjoy importing Japanese games that never made it to America? Well, too bad, because for the first time Nintendo is saying you aren't allowed to play games that weren't made specifically for your handheld. So we have a company who is actively taking measures to prevent gamers from enjoying the full catalog of titles eh? Yep, that sounds like a group of folks who really care about their consumers.

I end this angry rant by asking a simple question, why on earth should I give the DSi any of my attention whatsoever? I already have a camera, I can take pictures. I already have an iPod, I can listen to music. I already have a DS, I can play games. In short, the DSi has nothing to offer me, and it has nothing to offer any of you either. If this is the future of gaming then maybe I should change fields, seems to me as though time is standing still.

Like this article? Please Digg it!